One of the first things a relationship therapist learns
is that couples argue to burn up energy
that could be used for something else.

In fact, arguments often serve the purpose of using up energy,
so that the couple do not have to take
the courageous, creative leap into an unknown they fear.

Arguing serves the function of being a zone of familiarity
into which you can retreat
when you are afraid
of making a creative breakthrough.
4

  We are sometimes very strange people.

The only thing we want to say,
and the one thing that we should say,
is the one thing we don't say.

And yet, because the feeling is so real,
and the need to say it is so strong,
we are driven to use other words and signs
to say what we really mean.

And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all
and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.

The problem in listening for love is
that we don't always
understand the language of love
which the other person is using.

We have to listen for love in those around us.
If we listen intently we will discover
that we are a lot more loved than we realize.
5


  . . . how could you even for one moment,
think that I don’t care?

It takes more than just caring
to love someone;

The nature of love and caring
requires a blend
of warmest compassion
and love deep and true,
to reach and to comfort.
6

That kind of love
is priceless.

                                            I’ve always cared . . .
"Angel" my grand-daughter Paulette's cat
helping in the Bergamot garden
- Dawn Cove Abbey - Summer '07
If I just do my thing and you do yours,
We stand in danger of losing each other and ourselves.

. . . I am in this world to confirm you as
a unique human being,
and to be confirmed by you.

I do not find you by chance;
I find you by an active life of reaching out. . .
the Truth begins with two.
7
I'd look you in the eyes when you talk to me
I'd think about what you are saying,
rather than what I am going to say next;
I'd hear your feelings
as well as your words.

If I really cared . . .
I'd listen without defending
I'd hear without deciding
whether you're right or wrong.

If I really cared . . .
I'd allow you inside of me.
I'd tell you my hopes, my dreams,
my fears, my hurts.
  I'd tell you where I've blown it
          and where I've made it.

                                  If I really cared . . .
                         I'd laugh with you,
                  but not at you.
          I'd talk with you,
  and not to you;
And I'd know when it's time to do neither.

If I really cared . . .
I would not climb over your walls;
I'd hang around until you let me in the gate.
I would not unlock your secrets;
I'd wait until you handed me the key.

If I really cared . . .
I'd love you anyhow,
But I'd ask for the best that you can give
And gently draw it from you.

If I really cared . . .
I'd put my scripts away,
And leave my solutions at home;
The performances would end,
And we'd be ourselves.
2
Stepping into other people's shoes
enables great communication to take place,
even under difficult circumstances.

Many of the problems we experience on a daily basis
are due to either a lack of, or poor communication.
One of the best ways to improve communication
and break down any barriers is to understand other people.

Once we truly consider things from others perspectives
and understand what inspires them,
their beliefs and fears etc,
interpersonal relationships improve dramatically.
8
  I'd let you look into my eyes
to see my feelings
as well as hear my words;
I’d let you look into my soul,
and touch it.

  If I knew you really cared . . .
I'd stop defending;
hiding;
covering-up.

          If I knew you really cared . . .
  I'd share your hopes,
  your dreams,
your fears,
your hurts.

  If I knew you really cared . . .
I'd know you wouldn’t laugh at me
Criticize me,
and I may not like you.. . .
encourage me,
and I will never forget you. . .
but laugh at me,
and I may not ever be able to forgive you. . .

If I knew you really cared . . .
I’d let down my walls.

If I knew you really cared . . .
I'd give you the best I’ve got . . .
and let you gently draw it from me.

If I knew you really cared . . .
I'd put my scripts and masks away, too;
the performances would end,
so that we could be ourselves.
3
One's real life is often the life
that one does not lead.
9
_________________________________________________
Acknowledgements:
[1] "When I Thought You Really Cared" ~Anne M.
[2] "If I Really Cared" ~ Ruth Senter ~
[3] "If I Knew You Really Cared" ~Johan G.
[4] ~Gay Hendricks
[5] ~Unknown
[6] ~Unknown
[7] -How We Are - "Beyond Perls" ~Walter Tubbs
[8] ~Unknown
[9] ~Oscar Wilde
            When I thought you really cared. . .
    I let you look into my eyes, dear
to see my feelings
but you weren’t interested.
I let you look into my soul,
and touch it.
Your disinterested gaze, dear,
avoided that most valuable treasure:
my soul - ignored.

    When I thought you really cared . . .
I dropped my distrust,
stopped defending;
hiding and covering-up:
a painful miscalculation;
my trust reduced to scattered shards, dear.

            When I thought you really cared . . .
    I wanted to share your hopes;
    your dreams,
your fears,
your hurts.
There was only hiding,
deception and games:
shared emotional intimacy was neither
a family nor personal value for you, dear.

            When I thought you really cared . . .
    I foolishly thought you wouldn’t laugh at me.
It is not easy to forgive you, dear,
nor myself for misjudging so badly once more.

When I thought you really cared . . .
I began to let down my walls;
only to encounter yours, dear - raised higher.

When I thought you really cared . . .
I gave you the best I had . . .
to let you draw it from me gently, dear;
but was treated with indifference,
callous words, and ridicule.

When I thought you really cared . . .
I put my scripts and masks away,
ended the performances,
to be totally myself, dear;
and was rejected, humiliated,
and discarded;
my self-esteem scattered to the winds, dear.
Who are you, dear,
that I could have so mistaken for someone who really cared?
1
MorningStar Inspirations from
Dawn Cove Abbey
_______________________________
Roadside Assistance For Your Journey Through Life
- Dedicated to helping people return (and maintain) sanity and decency to life -
_______________________________________________________
From the eBook: "One! The Journey hOMe", by Klaas Tuinman MA, © 2007-2017

Questions and comments welcomed.
If You - I - Really Cared