What I Am Afraid Of
Fear is the mind killer
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear
and allow it to pass over and through me
And when the fear has gone past
I will turn the Inner Eye to see its path
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing
Only I will remain. 1
|You are a child of the universe, and
you have a right to be here:
Wounded No More
I was asked the other day what I am afraid of.
I did not know how to answer.
I don't think I know what I am afraid of.
Many people easily say the unknown of death is scary.
Maybe what I am afraid of is not death,
I was told if we live life always hoping for the next milestone
we will never really live.
We will miss all the things that are happening around us.
We ignore little details
because we are concentrating on something else.
I don't want to wake up when I am 40 or 60
and realize I have not enjoyed life.
Living in the moment
even if it means accepting
pain, suffering, loss.
It is knowing the reality of what is happening today,
not wishing for tomorrow,
or the next exciting thing
that says you have lived for the moment.
Even Jesus said,
"Don't worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own."
I believe it.
Maybe I can try to live with excitement
to see what life is going to present each day at a time.
Please Don’t Laugh at Me
. . . Criticize me,
and I may not like you . . .
Laugh at me,
and I may not forgive you . . .
Respect and Encourage me,
and I will never forget you.
Sometimes the answers to our problems
are not nearly as complex or elusive
as many of us seem to believe they are.
Sometimes our problems only exist in our head
(but they are very real to us).
Sometimes the journey from where we are
to where we'd like to be
is not nearly as terrifying
as we imagine it is.
Our inability to make certain decisions
or do certain things
keeps us trapped in a reality that we don't enjoy.
Hate, in fact.
And standing at the door of our self-created prison
is a gate-keeper who only exists in our mind;
While other people can walk in and out of our prison (reality) at will,
fear has kept some of us from freedom for far too long
- telling us what to do,
and what not to do,
for as long as we can remember.
Influencing, if not controlling,
virtually every area of our lives.
For years we've been fearful of getting hurt in some way,
fearful of getting fat, or being unloved,
unwanted, poor, humiliated,
of upsetting people
or being discovered for the fraud we believe we are.
And we're petrified of being alone.
We've lived so much of our life negatively,
simply doing our best to avoid the 'bad stuff'
and to survive,
that somewhere along the way,
we seem to have lost,
or maybe never even really found,
the us we still want to be,
the us we could be
and the us we've dreamed about
since we were five.
you're still here.
Sometimes the seemingly insurmountable gap
between our current reality
and our own version of “amazing” (prison and freedom)
is much smaller than we think.
Much, much smaller.
A mere step away in fact.
With the only challenge being
that sometimes the step we need to take
is a big one with no safety net.
And we love safety nets
- that's a big part of the problem.
Fear is a jealous gate-keeper
and it wants you staying put in your make-believe prison.
That's how it operates.
It doesn't want you to see what's out there,
what's possible for you.
It can't keep you in there
but only it knows that.
Does anyone else have excessive fear?
I can't stop worrying about almost everything.
It's driving me nuts.
When does this stop, if ever;
and how can I quell my fears?
I'm overwhelmed with this worry!
Here’s how it feels from the inside. . . .
and fear is something that seems to be part of my life.
I have all kinds of fears,
from being scared of living
to being afraid of dying.
I want to tell you about my fears,
because no one else could really understand, and, anyhow,
I myself don't even understand some of my fears.
I experience fear as something that cripples me at times,
that bothers me at others,
and that seems to lurk within my spirit most times.
I cannot always put a name on my fear.
Sometimes it's nothing more than shyness;
at other times it feels like a knot in my stomach
that halts me in my tracks,
and prevents me enjoying the day I have been given
or the experience I am offered to enjoy.
I'm afraid of change,
not sure what is lurking around the next corner.
I'm afraid of making decisions,
of making commitments,
or of letting go of control.
I'm afraid of pain,
and I'm always afraid that I'll break down,
crack up, or lose all sense of security.
I find it difficult to relax,
to throw discretion to the winds,
or to take risks.
This is what gives me a feeling that I'm afraid to really live,
to give life my best shot.
I'm afraid of what others might think of me,
of what others might say about me,
of how others might see me.
There are times when I feel like a rabbit caught in the head-lights of an on-coming car,
of a baby being immersed in a bath,
or a child passing a grave-yard at night,
on a lonely country road.
The fear seems to cling to me,
to mock me.
What makes it worse
is that I can't speak to others about a lot of my fears,
for fear of what they might think of me.
It is as if the fear is self-perpetuating,
continually regenerating itself.
If I run, it comes with me;
if I hide, it is waiting for me;
if I try to ignore it,
it seems to bully me into reminding me of its presence.
I'm afraid of myself,
because of my weaknesses.
There are times when I cannot trust myself at all;
when, being alone with myself,
I feel that I'm in unhealthy and dangerous company.
There are times when I experience my own inner personal demons,
and that scares me.
I am afraid of the unknown,
and I'm often afraid to think too deeply,
because I'm afraid of my thoughts,
which can be a very real source of my fears.
I often experience the war that rages within me,
and I'm afraid of losing the battle.
I'm afraid to take on the demons,
to name them for what they are,
and to expose them
to the light of love
and of understanding.
Sometimes I'm even afraid of love,
because this might cause me to lose control,
I can be afraid of the cost of being open and honest,
and afraid of what I might have to surrender
if I drop the mask,
or lower my guard.
I'm afraid of authority in every form.
The very presence of an authority figure
puts me in a state of full alert.
My fear expresses itself in many forms at such times.
I choose my words, I assume a mentality of defence,
and I feign total agreement with all that is being said.
I experience my fear as being moral cowardice,
and my behaviour as being subservient.
I hate this in myself,
and that feeling makes things worse.
I experience myself as being dishonest and inauthentic,
when I allow my fear influence my opinions,
and my beliefs.
I don't ever want to be aggressive,
but I certainly don't want to be a moral coward.
(see Assertive vs Aggressive - HERE)
This fear of authority often extends to people
who have no authority over me.
I believe them to be superior to me,
so I give them an authority that does not belong to them.
I'm afraid of failure,
I'm afraid of being seen as a loser.
I have experienced so much of my own brokenness
that I'm afraid to take risks,
I'm afraid to step out
and take control of situations.
I'm afraid of choices,
and I'm happier
when someone else
makes the choice for me.
I opt out of situations because of my fears,
and this brings yet more fear,
when I consider the price I am paying
through the loss of integrity,
and of wholesome living.
I'm afraid of time,
because it just keeps passing by regardless,
and I have no control over it.
As each second passes,
I am aware that it will never ever return.
I fear the consequences of the waste of time,
and I can get uncomfortable
to find time on my hands.
I like to work within schedules,
and I like to meet others' expectations of me.
I like to be liked,
and I shudder at the thought
of rejection and scorn.
I'm always afraid of being different,
and this fear often leads me into conformity,
when I really don't want to conform.
I'm afraid of my emotions;
I'm afraid of my moods.
When I awaken in the morning,
I'm just not sure how I'm going to feel today.
There are days when I seem to hit an air-pocket,
go into some sort of nose-dive,
and life goes into a spin.
There are days when I just want to go back to bed,
cover my head, and tell the whole world where to go.
Something happens inside that triggers off a sense of gloom and doom,
and I feel I just don't want to face the world.
It becomes a question of me and them . . .
I don't feel at one with the human race;
I don't feel at one with myself.
I experience a sense of unease (dis-ease),
I become restless,
and I can't seem to settle.
I know it is fear of some kind,
though I cannot put a name on it.
It seems as if some part of my inner self is unable to come out,
and to meet the world today.
Because this appears to be some kind of hiding,
that is why I suspect the presence of fear.
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* Fear: Part 1, From, "One!The Journey Home", the book by Klaas Tuinman MA, ©2007-17
FEAR: The Mind Killer (part 1_