Jealousy refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that occur when a person believes an
important, and valued relationship, is being threatened by someone else – a “rival”.
Jealousy is very "corrosive" - it "eats you up".
There are a number of individual differences that influence the expression of jealousy. Cultural
beliefs and values play an important role in determining what triggers jealousy and what constitutes
socially acceptable expressions of jealousy.
The other is insecurity and lack of self-confidence (see below).
Whatever the causes are, almost everyone is familiar with jealousy.
Despite its familiarity, however, people define jealousy in different ways.
Some even mislabel it as being protective of something or someone, when the fact is, it's really
simply possessive jealousy itself.
Many people feel they don't have effective strategies for coping with this form of jealousy.
The word "jealousy" is also frequently used to describe what is more properly envy, fixation on what
someone else has.
If jealousy is an issue in your life: perhaps in your relationship or marriage, or even friendships, then
you already know that jealous feelings and jealousy can be frustrating, annoying, painful and even
Signs - Symptoms of Jealousy
- Seeking constant reassurance or incessantly question their partner.
- Control (exercising control on their loved one's life)
- Possessiveness (almost smothering you) - wanting to know where you are all the time.
- Suspicious (of everything their partner does)
- Resenting attention on you by others.
- Intimidation (making threats to keep someone in line - theirs)
- Anxiety and Depression (brought about by their fear of losing you)
- Resentment (of attention paid to you by others)
- Anger (often extreme and irrational) which can lead to being
- Spiteful: a mean or evil feeling towards another, characterized by the inclination, to hurt,
humiliate, annoy or frustrate.
Some of the immediate factors involved in producing such insecurity driven behaviour are:
- Fear of loss of one's loved one to someone else
- Suspicion or anger about possible betrayal (on no grounds)
- Uncertainty and loneliness
We all know that, if left unchecked, jealous feelings and jealousy can single-handedly destroy an
otherwise good or even great relationship, or friendship.
Most people dealing with jealousy think they are doomed to live with it forever. We can understand
why you might think that way. The reality is that we know you can stop the jealousy.
Jealousy, for our purposes, is something that causes someone to be doubtful of their partner and
feel threatened by their interaction with certain people, the clothes they wear, or the places they go.
It frequently results in intense feelings of many kinds (see above). At times the reaction is virtually
irrational, mean, spiteful and vindictive - often only on suspicion, and no proof.
Most of it comes from your lack of self-confidence, your feelings of inferiority, poor self-esteem and
your own insecurity, and perhaps a sense of inadequacy.
Two types of jealousy: "Cute" jealousy
Jealousy: it's normal for people to be suspicious of their partner (and vice versa). Having
reservations about them going to a strip bar with friends or not enjoying the sight of him/her
drooling over somebody in a magazine are innocent examples of how some jealousy can be
harmless, and a perfectly normal reaction.
This is more unease than mistrust or jealousy.
- The problem arises when aggression and/or violence accompanies the jealousy.
- Once you've reached this stage, you obsessively begin questioning his/her loyalty to you, and
that sends you into a rage, maybe even using physical force.
- You have an inherently extreme low tolerance level and, before long, s/he is unable to even
look at another guy/woman or leave your side when you're both out.
- You demand to know where s/he is at all times and the mere mention of another
guy's/woman’s name sends you off the deep end.
The source of jealousy
- You may have acquired this behaviour through past experiences with boy/girlfriends, or a
- If you have already been cheated on, this may cause you to be more possessive and
controlling of her/him for fear of repetition.
- Even if he/she's never given you any reason to doubt her/him, you become increasingly
desperate to hold on to the relationship and want to avoid potentially hazardous situations at
- Similarly, you may be the one who's been unfaithful in the past, and, in a shameful attempt to
not have the tables turn on you, you want to ensure that you are the sole object of her/his
Self-worth and Self-confidence: Mostly, jealousy is a by-product of one's own issues with self-
confidence and self-esteem. You and you feel threatened by that.
Jealousy, for those who can't control it,
- is detrimental to a relationship because it eats away at the one thing that holds it together: Trust.
- Jealousy also takes away from your quality time together as it would undoubtedly lead to
numerous fights whereby you only focus on each other's negative qualities.
- Worse, you end up spending the bulk of your day foolishly thinking up scenarios in which he/she
may cheat on you.
- Before you know it, the greater part of your relationship will be spent on what could be
happening rather than what is happening.
- Jealousy will be harder to control as the relationship progresses, so if yours is reaching
dangerously high levels, it's time to get help as soon as possible.
Remember that trust is the foundation of any relationship, and you shouldn't let your insecurities
destroy yours. More importantly, show the lady/guy the same respect you would want her/him to show
you. If you can do as you please, then so can she/he.
Five Points Of overcoming Jealousy In Relationships
1- Learn from past experiences
2- Deal with reality
3- Respect yourself
4- Get a third party's opinion
5- Set some rules early on
Overcome Jealousy and Build More Trust Now - Before Jealousy Ruins Your Friendships,
Relationship or Marriage.
Klaas Tuinman MA
Deerfield, Nova Scotia, 2009
Jealousy: the Corrosive Insecurity Emotion
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