|You are a child of the universe,
and you have a right to be here:
Wounded No More
|Reclaiming the Wounded, Inner Child
Dear sweet little child inside of me,
I only wish that you could see
how sad I feel for not being there,
when you needed help to conquer despair.
The pain of heart that you went through,
when innocence was snatched from you.
Your feelings of betrayal - shame -
I know your life was not the same.
The trust and innocence you had are gone -
and that's what makes me sad.
'Cause you should laugh, and romp, and play
-- enjoying life in every way.
When emotions are 'congealed' inside,
you cannot, feelings e'er confide...
with anger -frustration - you sail life's course,
while your abuser ne'er feels remorse.
Please don't hang your head in shame,
because you really aren't to blame..
Release the guilt you feel inside,
and hold your head up high with pride.
I picture you, dear innocent child -
with heart of gold, so tender, so mild...
and hold you close in my embrace,
as tears I wipe from your dear face.
You see, I've come to RESCUE you
from all the pain that you've been through.
I'll ne'er let you be hurt again,
because I am your long, lost friend!!!!!
1996 ~ Cynthia Becker
|When Life Hurts
When the hurts received from others
reaches a point where people actually react to
them, an amazingly curious thing happens:
they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or
precious to them:
it will be the thing/person they turn against and
take it out on.
As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms
and head off most fav doll, or trashing a prize
airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved
pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved
tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one,
or push the loved one away harder and harder,
or run as far away as possible.
They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or
leave exactly those things or people most
precious & loved to them.
Only later, when all the demolition and carnage
is done, do they take stock and fully come to
realize, not just what they've done, but what
And this has been known for ages - there's a
song about it that people have known for
years: "You always hurt the one you love".
And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow,
and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred,
self-loathing and self-disgust will grow.
And rage will build. This is the point at which
healing/recovery can begin - because that is
when people are ready - or can be.
Denial of the Inner Child and the co-dependent self are
particularly common among children and adults who grew up in
troubled (dysfunctional) families.
This is where chronic physical mental illness, rigidity, coldness or
lack of nurturing is common. It also manifests as having no sense
of self-worth or esteem.
The behaviour patterns you show at times are direct reflections of
the “age” you were when the pain or hurt occurred in your past.
As already noted above, an arrested emotional development took
place – and it affects and influences each incident in adult life (the
emotions connected to current incidents were "frozen in time" -
and it is those which are manifested in adulthood).
Because each "outstanding" traumatic (or very pleasurable) event
has the same effect of freezing the emotion connected to that
event, it results in us having more than one “inner child” –
"children" of varying ages.
This "freezing" of the emotions - or them being
"arrested/stopped" in time is also known as having had an
"interrupted childhood" - the effects of which influences us
daily - until we chose to face them and heal.
Not everyone was mistreated or abused as a child. No one really knows how many people did not
receive guidance and love which is the way we know how to form healthy and loving relationships and
to love ourselves. The estimates from research indicate that it is around 80-95% of the adult population.
One of the most important concepts for us to understand: we all have an inner child, (or
children) inside us - something most people don’t know - or don't want to face. They are generally only
aware of one inner child - if that.
Besides the Inner Child, we have many other selves that are trying to take control. We can't really hear
the voices until we make an effort to do so - one of those is the "Inner Critic". It is very important to
tame the Inner Critic.
NOTE. The Inner critic is not your conscience: see Inner Critic
When the self starts to rebel and the Inner Children are finally released to be present to talk about their
feelings, sometimes the Children's selves lose control - and play havoc with people's lives.
There is a way out - a way to discover and to heal our Inner Child and to break free of the bondage
and suffering of our co-dependent or false self. Inner Child work (therapy) the nightmares and anxieties,
as well as providing understanding of what happened, how it affected us, and why our behaviours are
what they are.
It can all be changed (healed).
So now that you have read this, you can begin to transform the Inner Critic to be a good internal parent,
begin to listen to the Inner Children and to allow them to have fun and be heard. It is also important to
keep a balance in your life. The Inner Children need emotional and psychological limits.
Remember these words: "it is never too late to have a happy childhood”.
Examples of some of the "inner" Children and their Roles:
The Playful Child: that self that is naturally playful, creative, spontaneous and fun loving
child. This self longs to play. Many of us have forgotten how to do this without guilt or anxiety
that as adults we must be doing something that is worthwhile.
The Spoiled Child: that part of us wants what they want and they want it now, and if they
don’t get what they want, they throw temper tantrums.
Develop the ability to give yourself a profound healing experience.
Counseling is now available wherever you are through distance Counseling
Peace to you on your journey to loving to yourself
- learn to resonate to a positive wavelength.
You can’t do what you want, 'till you know what you’re doing;
and you can’t know what you’re doing, till you know who you are . . .
There are “positive” aspects to "roles" - see Children-Roles page.
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Nova Scotia
The Inner Child / The Child Within
Inner Child is both a concept and a reality.
The Inner Child represents the integral childlike aspect of our psyches, although some see
it as something independent from our personality.
The easiest way to think of it is that it is the sum-total of the remaining effects of our
subjective childhood experiences at the emotional, spiritual level.
Some of those experiences had huge impacts, which resulted in part of our emotional
make-up being frozen in time - the time of those experiences.
When those experiences were traumatic, the inner child did not develop and mature
- but remained "stuck" at that age.
In real-life terms, this means that a significant event that occurred at age three
resulted in the emotional-spiritual reaction of a three-year old. Until, or unless, healing
occurred, or occurs, from that point on, anything which triggered memories of that event
would result reacting emotionally to it as a three-year old.
Which is not constructive or functional in adult life,
and leads to "immature" solutions and reactions.
The Inner Child, therefore, is that part of each of us
that is ultimately alive within.
Although they were unaware of it, our parents helped to create
this Inner Child, with help from our culture and society.
Most of people deny (or are unaware) that this part of them even
The Number 1 cause of a Wounded Inner Child is
- poor, inadequate, or dysfunctional parenting
When your child self is not allowed to be heard, or even
acknowledged as being real, a false or co-dependent self emerges
When your child self is traumatized through violence and abuse, it
shrinks, and engages in adaptive survival coping mode.
That child has just become a victim. And you begin to live life as
The result of this is that situations will arise in your life where you
keep having unresolved emotional traumas which translates into
having "issues". The gradual accumulation of unfinished mental
and emotional business can lead to chronic anxiety, fear,
confusion, emptiness and unhappiness.
The result: a hurt and frightened child.
More on Your Inner Child - the Divine Child - and the Child Within
The Inner Child can also refer to your emotional "side"
(especially the undeveloped "inner self").
An Interesting Thought:
If you are one that this description fits, and are searching for a way to heal, and it was your
parents who were involved in bringing about this situation - the following might be helpful:
"I didn't stop my father, I couldn't save my mother, really, what was there besides fear.
Fear became my good friend. And between 14 and 25, I attempted to kill myself.
Because when you think that fear is the only thing that you know and have,
then suicide seems like a good alternative.
And so I tried three times.
And finally that third time,
I realized that I had to either make a new choice,
which was to give up my parents - not give up my parents - love for my parents,
but have them quit running my life, and quit having fear in my life
or I was going to end up living in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life."
In his anthology "Reclaiming the Inner Child", editor Jeremiah
Abrams says that the 'inner child is the carrier of our personal
stories, the vehicle for our memories of both the actual child and an
idealized child from the past.
It is the truly alive quality of being within us.
It is the soul,
our experiencer throughout the cycles of life.
It is the sufferer.
And it is the bearer of renewal through rebirth,
appearing in our lives whenever we detach and open to change."
"It is no wonder that we return to the child to find the solution to
the reduction of emotional pain. ... now, as you seek change in
yourselves, you once again return to the child. But this time you
return to the child within."
-The Inner Child Workbook, Cathryn L. Taylor, M.A., M.F.C.C
The Inner Child and The Child Within
Profile on the Inner Child and the Child Within
The Neglected Child: the child self that was always left alone without much nurturing and love.
They don't believe they are lovable or worthwhile. They don’t know how to love. They are depressed
and want to cry.
The Abandoned Child: this child self has been left in some way like divorce or adoption
or just left because the parents were kept busy working.
They are always fearful that they will be abandoned again and again.
This part of the self is starving for extra attention and reassurance that they are safe and okay.
This self is very lonely.
The Fearful Child: this part has been overly criticized when they were small.
Now they are anxious and are in panic much of the time. They need lost of encouragement and
The Unbonded Child: this Inner Child never learns to be close to anyone.
They are isolated.
Intimacy feels alien and scary.
Trust is a basic issue.
The Discounted Child: this is a part of the self that was ignored and treated as though they did not
They don’t believe in themselves and need lots of love to assist and support them.
|It is no measure of health
to be well adjusted
To a profoundly sick
Your Inner Child - Divine Child - Child Within
The Inner Child refers to your emotional "side". Our personalities develop as a result of our genetic
code (DNA, or inherited characteristics), and our home, (and cultural) environment in which we
Childhood is dictated by those who raise us and often causes scars that will take years to heal.
In most cases, our adult issues go back to our childhood and the things, events, experiences and people
which impacted on our emotional, spiritual and physical bodies at that time.
The inner child remains with us all of our lives.
We are all children at heart, innocently searching for our meaning in life.
Most importantly . . . ALL can heal - see "The Awakening"
You do not need fixing, for you are not broken.
Your sense of self, your self perception, was shattered
and fractured and broken into pieces, not your True Self.
When you need personal healing, it is almost certain that your "inner child" will be involved. This is true
whether you require personal, relationship, family or couples/marriage counseling, because in all of
these we deal with more than one "inner child".
In these therapeutic activities there are multiple "inner children" involved.
|Dawn Cove Abbey
Roadside Assistance For Your Journey Through Life
- Dedicated to helping people return (and maintain) sanity and decency to life -
From the eBook: "One! The Journey hOMe", by Klaas Tuinman MA, © 2007-2017
Questions and comments welcomed.
Established in 1995, in commemoration of Abbey Dawn in Kingston, Ontario.
This leads to self-defeating solutions which are inappropriate to what the situation
really needs, and so a cycle of dysfunction is continued with ensuing unhappiness.
Until,or unless, healing occurs, the inner child's "immature" emotional-spiritual state will continue to pervade,
invade and permeate all behaviour. It will, in one way or another, ruin each "today", as it did almost every
"yesterday", and will do so for every 'tomorrow" as well.
It basically guarantees that there will be "inappropriate" emotionally driven responses to situations, and all
solutions will be coloured by that inappropriate emotional input and influence.
The Inner Child as a concept is an inter-related aspect of two other concepts featured on this site: Adult
Children's Adaptive "Roles", and The Lost Child Role/Syndrome.
As a general concept, however, the Inner Child also refers to all of the emotional memory and experiences
stored in our mind - right from earliest memory.
The Twelve-step program recovery movement considers healing the Inner Child to be one of the essential
stages in recovery from addiction, abuse, trauma, or post-traumatic stress disorder.
Thus in the 1970s, the Inner Child concept emerged alongside the concept of Codependency.
“Inner child” is also a concept used in popular psychology, where it also refers to (or describes) a condition
that can be linked back to a childhood experience (physical and/or emotional).
Most frequently, it is used to affirm subjective childhood experiences
and the remaining effects of one's childhood. There is no connection with the old concept of "Multiple
- Carl Jung referred to a similar concept as the 'Divine Child.'
- Emmet Fox called it the 'Wonder Child.'
- Charles Whitfield dubbed it the 'Child Within.'
- Some psychotherapists call it the 'True Self.'
One way of considering it is as one's "inner self that is in hiding".
The "wounded inner child" is a modified use of the inner child concept made popular by John Bradshaw,
a well-known self-help movement leader.
Regardless how long your behaviour pattern and circumstances may
have existed, and no matter how much you despair of healing:
recovery - healing and becoming a true survivor is possible at any time.
"Each night I die to old habits and to negative thinking and actions that
do not serve me any more;
each morning I am resurrected into new life, again and again – if I so
choose." (adapted from the chapel's prayers).
|Dawn Cove Abbey
A Place of Hope, Help and Inner Healing: Providing Emotional, Spiritual and Mental Integration
|Only the Wounded Heal;
Only the Separated
|People who really want
will find a way;
those who don't,
will find an excuse.
The same applies if the event(s) occurred at say age 5, 8, 13 or whatever.
In each instance, the right trigger that connects with a past traumatic event, would produce the emotional
reaction in the current adult situation of
a 5, 8, 13 or whatever age child.
Triggers abound in life, and what keeps many people unhappy, and stuck in a repetitive "dysfunctional" mode
(a mode that doesn't work,
This is because they keep doing the same things that didn't work before and expect it to have different result
Thus, when crises occur, or stress gets too great, or a trigger is sprung, there will be an "abreaction".
An abreaction is a way of releasing repressed emotions
(from the past) by acting out - either verbally, via behavior, or in the imagination (Stinking Thinking).
It is a kind of reliving the past situation that the emotional-spiritual memory triggered by equating the present
event with the past one - and thus causing the current conflict.
Childhood is where it begins.
Childhood and youth is where it began for almost all lost children;
for all "Adult Children of" . . .
So part of any healing journey is to reconnect with that child inside: the
inner child. And although healing occurs in all those who actively
engage in that journey - there will always be remnants and memories.
Dysfunction too often is generational: it is passed on from one
generation to begin one's own recovery and healing, and then focus on
children in one's life.
This cannot be emphasized too much.