How To Please Your Partner
Pleasing your woman or man: the fallacy of off-the-shelf "rules"
This is not about ‘obeying’ or being controlled - it's about making someone truly feel good.
Imagine! Someone who doesn't know you, or your partner, telling You, what it takes to please her or
him, and vice versa? Only in a dysfunctional culture which is epitomized by people being disconnected
from themselves and from others, can, and do, things like this happen.
I’d be rolling on the floor with riotous laughter, if this wasn’t the epitome of the sad state we humans
obviously have gotten to. Imagine! People need magazine articles and entire books that explain to them
how to please another human being?
In other words, we’ve arrived at the point where we need an instruction manual of what it takes to
make someone feel good (it does not matter whatever that can, and does mean – for there are many
ways of ‘feeling good’).
Have we become so totally alienated and disconnected from life, from ourselves and from others that
we truly have lost the knowledge and awareness of what it is that makes others feel good? Because it is
so simple; and that’s why this is so sad.
You see, the moment we need to have something like that explained to us – to be taught that – we have
declared that we are so far out of touch with ourselves -so disconnected- that we don’t even know what
makes us feel good. For you see, we are the guide to knowing how to others feel good. When
something feels good to us –whatever it is– it is usually an excellent indicator that the same thing would
feel good to someone else. And what doesn’t ‘feel’ good to us, most likely would not feel good to
So the starting point is always us!
Of course, we haven’t experienced everything, and our repertoire of pleasurable and unpleasant is based
entirely on our own experience, and what we may have been told by others, or witnessed. And there
will be things we are unfamiliar with or uncertain of. That is simply normal. And there is a much easier
and much more effective way to discover how to please someone (make them feel good).
Ask! Simply asking someone, “does this feel good to you”, or “would you like this . . .?”, or if all
else fails, “what would you like?” works very well.
The other important thing is, when we truly try to ‘get to know’ the other person (or other people) by
really ‘listening’ and observing, we also learn what makes them feel good and what is not pleasant for
them. So right away we have three things at our disposal that will let us know what makes someone feel
good, or not good, and then all we have to do is apply them: listen, watch/observe, and ask. Mind you,
that means being connected – and in a world of alienated, disconnected people that is the real challenge.
I’m not suggesting that we can’t learn from books, magazines, TV and movies, or other people. Of
course, that is how we expand, grow and learn too, but those external inputs are not meant to over-ride
what we already know; what we have already acquired through listening, observing and asking (or could
have done if we are un-alienated and connected).
No matter how many other sources list what ‘someone’ likes (and they always present it is “will like”,
never as “may like”) not everyone likes the same thing, or even all things. Each of us has preferences,
sensitivities, likes and dislikes etc.
This applies to activities, conversation and more hedonistic pursuits: to all areas of life. For example,
while millions of others might like spinach, you may not, so anything that tells another person to serve
you spinach because people like it, ignores who you are, and your likes, dislikes. And that works the
other way around to – the person right in front of you may be doing something that they were told
you’d like because “everyone likes it”, and yet be making you feel uncomfortable or whatever, because
they didn’t take the trouble to find out whether you actually wanted it, liked it or whatever.
All of this stuff about reading up on how to please someone is simply scripting for detached,
impersonal, disconnected roles, so that everyone can go on merrily playing the roles others have
assigned them – without ever being accepted for, or treated as, the person they really are.
Break out of your cave (if you’re one of these people who reads-up on stuff like that), and start listening,
watching, observing yourself, and others. Reconnect with yourself and others. It is never too late to make
a new beginning. Today is (can be) the first day of your (real) life.
-Klaas 2010 rev 2017 Deerfield, NS
|Dawn Cove Abbey