Anger is one of the most powerful emotional states people can experience: it's energy is often
    overwhelmingly powerful - see further below.

    About Understanding, Conquering, Effects of, and Managing and Controlling Your
    Anger,Rage & Fury: read on.

    Anger: Managing & Controlling It
    Everyone gets angry from time to time; this is “normal”. I'm speaking about the kind of
    anger that people have great difficulty controlling or managing: deep inside they are
    constantly, chronically angry.
  • This is not a problem in itself. It is When, and How and Where, and with or at    
       Whom you display that anger and take it out on that is the problem most frequently.

    But first, let's talk about Anger for a moment. What is it, and why do we become angry?
    There is one very common reason:
  • And that is quite simply that anger is often a mask for fear and vulnerability.  Anger
             can be a strong emotion that you feel in an otherwise numb existence (see below
Forms Of Anger).
  • You may feel that no one pays attention to you unless you compel it. You may
             also enjoy getting angry because it makes you feel powerful.

  • Getting angry can alienate others and is rarely a good way to communicate
             effectively with them or enlist their support. It is an effective way to increase      
             the risk for heart disease and to undermine your immune system.
  • See further below on how to 'manage' anger . . .

    Consider the following, please.
    FACT: Most people who say they have an anger management or control problem
    really don't have one. They/You actually manage and control it very well
  • and reserve a special person/place to become the target;
  • and then they/you use the “I can't control it”, or “I can’t help myself”, routines
  • Or, you/they blame the victim, “you made me hit you”.

    WRONG – on all counts! Those actions and words are CHOICES – not mindless
    reactions. Other choices could have easily been made. It hurts when people know
    someone chose to hurt them – by choice.

    You/They CHOOSE to carry out that aggression. You/They can also choose NOT TO,
    and you can turn your anger, and it's behaviours, around today - if you want to.

    It's energy can be harnessed and redirected into constructive behaviours and actions.
                                                                   See below.
    Anger intensity varies widely, and it is important to distinguish between the normal anger,
    and harmful anger; the most "extreme", is "acting-out"..
    Anger (and acting-out) comes in three forms, "degrees" or levels. They are:
  • Anger: which is a strong or violent feeling of displeasure, antagonism and
             aggressive hostility aroused, or triggered by real or suspected wrong.
  • It is usually accompanied with a desire to punish, or retaliate: the anger may be
             excessive or misplaced.

  • Rage: which is a vehement explosive form of anger. Rage is an instinctive response
             to the sense we are under threat, either physically or emotionally.
  • Anything that challenges our dignity or threatens the control we wield over our lives
             can trigger anger at this deep level (rage) – this is often, or usually, misdirected.

  • Fury: is an excess of rage, amounting almost to madness or insanity (sometimes
             referred to as a “blind rage” where the individual is no longer aware of what they
            are doing; also known as going “berserk”).  It is the most violent and destructive
            form – it too, is almost always misdirected, often leading to extreme irrational
            behaviour. Misdirected means it is taken out on the person(s) or thing(s) who are
            not the actual, original cause of the “root anger”; the targets/victims are not
            the perpetrator(s).

    Anger comes in two modes: Inner (or Inward) Anger, and Outward Anger
    Outwardly expressed anger is easy to recognize, but angry thoughts and feelings may
    also exist internally, well concealed from others. The more severe (or extreme) forms of
    anger are often indicative of PTSD, and or severe Trauma in your history.
The anger cycle:

  • The open expression of outward anger by one person
     to another is almost always like a reflex action to reduce
     inner tension.

  • For the immediate moment the person may feel some
    elation for having "gotten it out" but the frequent normal
    response is guilt.

  • Guilt then will lead to remorse that the person had been
    so hard, violent or mean to the victim upon whom the
    anger was vented.

  • This remorse will function like a "self-checking" device
     and result in the anger being held in; so that the
     anger becomes "inward  (inner) anger", -inner-directed
     which often leads to depression (it also increases
    This is a dysfunctional, maladaptive and self-defeating model of handling, controlling and
    managing anger.

    Feelings felt, or associated with, the expression of anger:
    Fear, rage, wanting to make it better, upset, emotional release,  sick, physically ill,
    displaced or misdirected attack, apprehensive,  sad, hurt, offended, frustration, lack of
    feeling, revengeful, embarrassed, shaky, wanting to make it better, guilty, tense,
    uncomfortable, scared, "flight or fight" stress response, and loss of composure.

    Anger is a powerful force: before anger reaches these levels, if you are afflicted by it
    please seek counselling and learn to understand and conquer this madness.

    CAUSES of Anger (see above in the intro)
    There are many "causes" of anger - and these will mostly be different for each person -
    although they may share some in common (and any unresolved “causes” will result in
    “triggers” – see below).

    The anger is often (usually) connected to an event, or events from the past, or as we've
    just seen, at ourslves.

    The "event" that triggers it - is usually NOT the real reason - it becomes the trigger" or
    "excuse". It is easy to detect this: where it is not the real reason - the reaction will
    normally be totally out of proportion to what just happened, or what was just said, etc.

    Frequently, we get angry because something another person says or does, reminds us
    of some quality or habit we have ourselves that we are unhappy with, but rather than
    dealing  with  our own weakness, we "project it" onto others and take the anger at
    ourselves out - on other people.
  • Anger is also a problem when it affects our relationships with those we love or at work.
  • How much has anger cost you in the past; and are you still willing to pay that cost?
  • Thus both anger, and when it is a problem, will vary for each person, yet anger can be a
      normal part of all our lives, if managed, conquered and controlled constructively and

Triggers: Triggers are any current thing (or person) that reminds the angry person of the
original hurts, causes, events and/or people, etc, of the past that created the anger originally.

Therefore, sometimes (or often) a particular person (or event) can serve as a "trigger"  because
they remind the angry person of things from the past, and the person or thing now in front of
them become the substitute for the one we're really angry at (therefore, often having a
for all authority figures (for example; teachers, policemen, etc).

Actually, a current event can result in a reaction so intense that it brings the “original event”
back in sharp focus and detail, as if it were happening again, all over. That’s why the reaction
is so strong.
It can point to serious signs of danger in intimate relationships.
  • Do friends and family feel free to share their thoughts and feelings with you?
  • If a stranger knew everything about your relationship with friends and family, would s/he
     say you get along well with them?
  • Has anyone ever said s/he is afraid of you?
  • Do your spouse and/or friends avoid conflict with you?

  • Has someone ever received a bruise as a result of your actions during an argument?
  • Have you ever broken an object (glass, chair, vase, ashtray, etc.) during or right after
     an argument?
  • Have you ever called someone a bitch, bastard or some other derogatory name?
  • Has a friend or spouse ever accused you of being angry, and you felt you had to prove
     him or her wrong?

  • Have you ever surprised yourself by how angry you got and by what you did?
  • Have you ever hurt yourself punching or kicking a wall in anger?
  • Have you ever been "blind" with rage, or could not remember what you did when angry?

  • Would a friend or spouse say that you have ever slapped or hit him/her?
  • Have you ever ripped someone's clothes when angry?
  • When angry, have you shaken your fist or raised your hand toward someone?

If you answered these honestly and truthfully, and you answered YES to more than half of
these, you have an anger, and an anger-control, problem. It is a source of
Understanding, Managing and Controlling the destructive
emotions and behaviours of Anger - Rage - Fury
Managing Anger, Rage and Fury: Understanding and Control
Taking Control of Your Anger: Controlled anger sometimes proves useful: it is the  staying
in control that is important.
  • Lesson: anything done out of anger and in haste hurts others, destroys, and always
    comes back on yourself.
  • Facing your anger is an important first step.
  • Learning new reactions is an important second one.
  • You may find that meditation also helps.

Suggestions for change: Managing Your Anger
  • Avoid inappropriate/disproportionate anger by identifying and acknowledging your
     feelings as they arise: ask yourself, what is causing the fear that underlies the anger?

Example: If you react with anger to trying situations, examine what you can do to prevent
such occurrences (these are just two examples, you can come up with ones that are relevant
to your situation, and approach them in the same manner as these..
  • E.g., if your car tires need air, top them up when you notice it, and avoid creating an
    avoidable drama when they blow in the middle of a journey to an important  appointment.

  1. If you rely on anger to make you feel powerful,
  • then explore more benign ways to get the same feeling; e.g, take an advanced driver’s
2. If you crave high-stakes, high-drama excitement,
  • then a challenging sport may be a good option, such as adventure excursions,
     white-water rafting or mountaineering.

Solutions to many issues are essentially simple, once you make the choice of truly
addressing them.

The challenge: Do you know whether you are ready to implement them and be willing
to change?

Workshops - Seminars
Anger is a terrible, destructive force, but like most energy it can be harnessed for your
benefit or allowed to roam wildly and destroy you.

One of the main problems in anger control is that our culture does not teach functional ways
for people to handle anger and aggression - and thus it become suppressed - only to pop out
at the first "trigger".
  • If the suggestions above were not fully helpful to you, but  at the same time you "get it",
     but need a bit more help, a workshop may be useful to you.
  • You may also find the Self-Sabotaging/Self-Defeating Behaviours page here, helpful.

Understand and conquer this madness. Dare to start your healing journey today!

Klaas Tuinman
Dawn Cove Abbey
Deerfield, Yarmouth County, NS 2007/09-Rev: 2020
Anger is Fear turned outward
  • This "inward anger" over time will
     lead to resentment towards the
     original person (perpetrator/target)
    whom the open anger expression
    was delivered at.

  • If the resentment remains as an
    unresolved issue (not having
    adequately dealt with the original
   cause or perpetrator), something
   down the road begins to irritate the
   "angry person", over time he/she will
   not hold it in any longer and
   express anger out all over again.

  • This will lead to a repeat of the
    anger cycle of guilt, remorse,
    anger-in, resentment, irritation and
    anger out expression.
Anger Management Thermometer
Klaas Tuinman M.A.
Life Self-Empowerment Facilitation
at Dawn Cove Abbey
Comments and Questions are welcomed