I began to bargain with you, set myself limits about how often,  and how long and I tried to
stay away from you. Plus our time together had changed.  Before it was mostly fun and I
enjoyed our time together whereas now this seemed to have gone and had been replaced by
something darker.  I was more out of control in our time together and this scared me.  You
seemed to have taken the upper hand in the relationship and were more insistent and controlling.

I was also trying to give up other relationships that had served me well up until that point,  but
that I could no longer ignore was damaging.  But that relationship was also linked to my time
with you and so when I stopped this relationship with nicotine I knew I had to stay away from
you too, at least until I had got over that one and could spend time with youand not miss them.

You grew angry at my withdrawal and would harp incessantly in my ear until I would relent and
come back to you;  but the next day I would hate you and hate myself for giving in.  This pull
and push has gone on for 5 years and now I am sick of you, sick of the way you make me feel
and think about myself, sick of the stupid things I say and do when with you and I don’t enjoy
your company any more.

So I have decided to say good bye.  I have decided to try and live my life without you.  You
were furious when I made this decision and upped your rhetoric about how useless I was and
how I would never survive a party or a difficult time without you.   But I held steadfast and it
has been over three months.

You were right, it was hard and at times still is, but I know I have made the right decision.  I
have experienced the joy of living without you and your voice has grown fainter and your power
has lessened.  Other people still think you are important and want to spend time with you and
that is fine.  This decision is about me and no one else and has been one of my life without you.

I have fond memories of you in the beginning but we can’t recreate those early days and I know
that we never will.  What was once benign is now very much malignant and I must move on.  It
is time to forge a new path without you.

I can take no credit for this brilliant idea, which rightly goes to Veronica Valli when she talked
about the goodbye letter in her book
‘Why You Drink and How to Stop: Journey to Freedom’.
Goodbye Alcohol: a Letter - 2
Dawn Cove Abbey
Providing Roadside Assistance for your Journey through Life
Hello Alcohol,
You have been the one constant in my life. From my earliest memories you
looked old enough to get served in mine. You were  factor in the choices that I
made, and with friends and partners that I chose. I have never known a time
when you weren't important to some close to me, or to me.

I always viewed you as a Jekyll and Hyde character, sometimes making those
close to me more affectionate and then at other times causing anger and
violence. I spent much of my childhood fearful of you and the effect and
power that you seemed to have.  Those involved with you seemed to prioritise
you over everyone else.  But you were who people I knew chose to help them
in times of good and bad and so I learned the same message and the same
way of being.

When I joined the dance with you, you appeared benign even helpful.  You
gave me confidence, made me bigger, louder and funnier than the person I
felt I was.  You were my side-kick in all my adventures whether here at home
or overseas.  You helped me forget difficult memories and emotions and
smoothed over the rough edges in my life.

I partied with you for almost twenty years never questioning your influence,
even though during those times I worked as a nurse on a ward where you had
done serious damage to other people and they were dying because of you.  
They wanted to choose you over anything and everything else.  But I still
didn't see it.

But then I wanted to have children,  and people were telling me that you were
bad for me and so I scaled back our dalliance, joining you only for short but
stupendously large blow outs.  I resented that I couldn’t have you in my life as
much as you had been in the past.  We had to separate for two short periods
while I cared for my unborn babies but I still stole the odd clandestine night,
missing you badly.

Once the children arrived life with you became much more difficult,  and I had
to make choices against you, limiting our time together or the intensity of our
time together.  This is when I began to realise that our relationship was
problematic and was having a serious impact on my other now important
From, "One! The Journey hOMe", the eBook  by Klaas Tuinman  ©2007-17