|I began to bargain with you, set myself limits about how often, and how
long and I tried to stay away from you. Plus our time together had
changed. Before it was mostly fun and I enjoyed our time together
whereas now this seemed to have gone and had been replaced
by something darker. I was more out of control in our time together
and this scared me. You seemed to have taken the upper hand in the
relationship and were more insistent and controlling.
I was also trying to give up other relationships that had served me well
up until that point, but that I could no longer ignore was damaging. But
that relationship was also linked to my time with you and so when I
stopped this relationship with nicotine I knew I had to stay away from you
too, at least until I had got over that one and could spend time with you
and not miss them.
You grew angry at my withdrawal and would harp incessantly in my ear
until I would relent and come back to you; but the next day I would hate
you and hate myself for giving in. This pull and push has gone on for 5
years and now I am sick of you, sick of the way you make me feel and
think about myself, sick of the stupid things I say and do when with you
and I don’t enjoy your company any more.
So I have decided to say good bye. I have decided to try and live my life
without you. You were furious when I made this decision and upped your
rhetoric about how useless I was and how I would never survive a party or
a difficult time without you. But I held steadfast
and it has been over three months.
You were right, it was hard and at times still is, but I know I have made
the right decision. I have experienced the joy of living without you and
your voice has grown fainter and your power has lessened. Other people
still think you are important and want to spend time with you and that is
fine. This decision is about me and no one else, and has been
one of living my life without you.
I have fond memories of you in the beginning but we can’t recreate those
early days and I know that we never will. What was once benign is now
very much malignant and I must move on. It is time to forge a new
path without you.
I can take no credit for this brilliant idea, which rightly goes to Veronica
Valli when she talked about the goodbye letter in her book ‘Why You
Drink and How to Stop: Journey to Freedom’.
|Goodbye Alcohol: Letter 2
|Dawn Cove Abbey
Providing "Roadside Assistance"
for your Journey through Life
You have been the one constant in my life. From my earliest
memories you looked old enough to get served in mine. You
were factor in the choices that I made, and with friends and
partners that I chose. I have never known a time when
you weren't important to some close to me, or to me.
I always viewed you as a Jekyll and Hyde character, some-
times making those close to me more affectionate and then
at other times causing anger and violence. I spent much of
my childhood fearful of you and the effect and power that
you seemed to have. Those involved with you seemed to
prioritise you over everyone else. But you were who people
I knew chose to help them in times of good and bad and
so I learned the same message and the same way of being.
When I joined the dance with you, you appeared benign even
helpful. You gave me confidence, made me bigger, louder
and funnier than the person I felt I was. You were my side-
kick in all my adventures whether here at home or overseas.
You helped me forget difficult memories and emotions
and smoothed over the rough edges in my life.
I partied with you for almost twenty years never questioning
your influence, even though during those times I worked
as a nurse on a ward where you had done serious damage
to other people and they were dying because of you. They
wanted to choose you over anything and everything else.
But I still didn't see it.
But then I wanted to have children, and people were telling
me that you were bad for me and so I scaled back our
dalliance, joining you only for short but stupendously large
blow outs. I resented that I couldn’t have you in my life as
much as you had been in the past. We had to separate for
two short periods while I cared for my unborn babies but
I still stole the odd clandestine night, missing you badly.
Once the children arrived life with you became much more
difficult, and I had to make choices against you, limiting our
time together or the intensity of our time together. This is
when I began to realise that our relationship was problematic
and was having a serious impact on my other
new important relationships.
|From, "One! The Journey hOMe",
the eBook by Klaas Tuinman M.A ©2007-19